What was once the most sure thing in my life has sorta morphed itseelf into a weird question mark of sorts. This new life that I have forced to adapt has changed me. We all fight change eh? But this change is something that I am having difficulty coming to terms with. New people, new friends (?), a new surrounding. But the same old person, hoping desperately to hold on to what I know, what I've come to love.

I had a clear picture in my head. An idea of where I was going as a person, as an individual., I knew what I wanterd and I knew it well. But that's the problem isn't it? I knew. Past tense. What I've come to know has changed. At least I think it's changed. Looking back at this paragraph I've typed, I can see for myself as an individual, I am confused. But why? One is not sure.

But honestly, I am very confused. Not in the trivial, shallow sense of the word, but rather, as a person. What do I want? Who am I? Or rather, who do I want to be? I look back at myself towards the last leg to IB, and I miss that. The crazy cramming, the nights in the art room, the awesomely fun struggle to prove ourselves towards the end. Even then, I was so sure. But now, i find myself asking myself quite often. What's next? Wha;ts the plan? What's the next move? We live life in the army with so much inertia that it seems like there is no room for anyuthing else. In all honesty, I enjoy my time in army. I do. But i've lost myself as an individual in the process. I've never been a champion for  conformity. It's always been "we're the art people. stick it to the man. fuck the system. we'll eventually end up running the world." So why the doubts now? Have i been brainwashedd into following the path of the corporate sell-out. Just out to get the paper, the next promotion, the next pay raise? What became of us, the renegade heroes. The misfits. The notorious. I miss you guys. I miss the crazy risks we took. I miss how friggin' happening we were. I miss it all. And my "matured" 19 year old mind tells me this will be the last i'll see of the crazy renagade Kapilan.

Like I said before, it's disturbing. Have I grown older, matured mentally? Or have I lost myself?

As I sit here, in the darkened bunk, staring out into the beautiful moon, listening to the radio, i still wonder. What has become of the me who was once so bold, confident, and just plain awesome? The me who wouldn't let anything stop me? The me who knew what I wanted.

Man I seem to be in a major quarter-life crisis