I just wanna run away. And never come back.

And to my fucking horror, I just realized that I accidentally deleted all my WOW photos and artistic shots and technically my whole iPhoto library. What the fuck man. Sigh. Eleven damn gigs of shots! I fucking hate everything now. Good job kapilan. You're a shit head.

Hafiz Kamsadi told me something today (and on Friday during F1). And I had an epiphany. I'm back betches. And you'll have to deal with me no matter what. "i think it makes it even more important for us to all stick together to make it through in life in one piece".

After all that's happened, You really think so? Ha, you wish.

I have learnt to loose that pang of guilt that always struck me when I thought about letting everything go. It would just further affirm that I am being a total fool to still belief that something good could still come out of this. Too bad it had to end so ugly. Too bad for you. I mean, even after all the shit that's happened, you keep coming up with reasons to make everyone look like they're pathetic, don't you? God doesn't govern our actions. We do. We make the shit in our lives and we should blame the man up there for it. For the last time. I am "clear" about what I'm doing. You asked for this to happen. You reap what you sow. I have held back the countless urge of asking what the fuck is wrong with you. Honestly. And you're probably wondering why you have never seen this side of me. Well, the worst of situations bring out the worst in people You'll never ever hear me utter another word in your direction. I have better things to do. If you are still, for some reason, hanging on, I would suggest you burn that notion. Ha, this sudden chutzpah might come a rude shock. I don't care. It's about time I fucking did something about my pathetic moping.

I am fully awake and sober. It is me who's typing this. I just happened to have lost all emotional attachment to this whole affair. Don't look back in anger. Look back and learn a lesson. A lesson in life. What goes around comes around. Justin had that right



We started out OK,
But you thew it all away,
My God what's going on in your head,
For all we could have found,
Just to let it hit the ground,
Well I'm good and done,
We're over and dead,

Oh yes I'm leaving you it's obvious
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So wipe that stupid look right off of your face,
Get out of my way,
What did she say,
She's so so sorry,
Just get out of my way,
What did she say,
She's so so sorry,
She said I,
Want to start over today,
Take me back again,
Get out of my way,
What did she say,
She's so so sorry,
She was

You try to shift the blame,
My God are you insane,
And I'm sorry babe is all you can say,
You've made a mess before,
I kept coming back for more,
'cause I never thought you'd end it this way,

And that's all that I can say,
If you've never been let down,
Then this story's far from over,
Everything comes back around,
So be careful what you say,
What goes up's got to come down,
Don't be taken back,
It's all because of you,

Get out of my way,
What did she say,
She's so so sorry,
Just get out of my way,
What did she say,
She's so so sorry,
She said I,
Want to start over today,
Take me back again,
Get out of my way,
What did she say,
She's so so sorry,

Never again,
Never again,
What did she say,
Out of my way,
What'd I tell her,
What I tell her,
What did she say,
Out of my way!
What'd I tell her,
What I tell her,
Shot down!

Well then. That pretty much sums all of this up. Karma is a funny thing . Move on and stop making it seem like a big deal.
It isn't to me anymore.

I'll find someone else.

In the mean time, thanks for the memories. They would probably end up in the trash heap of my mind soon.

Sometimes I wish my life wasn't this complex. I mean honestly, why can't it be just simple, simple like some people are lucky to have it as. No complex relational matters. No complex friendship battles, no complex problems. While one might argue that it is in fact me that makes these things seem complex, but honestly. Some people lead lives with absolutely no worries. Fuck.

All these complexities. Why the hell does it have to land on my lap huh? And some people just add on to these things. "I don't want to give up on you". Pfft. I am sorry, but I have.

If you still don't get the drift, then well, it's just too bad.

It's mounting. And now, it has resorted to this. One can only remain stoic for so long.

In the night I hear them talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul

To a woman so heartless,
How could you be so heartless?

Sometimes I just wish, that I wasn't so intellectual. Being less sophisticated, I would think less. And maybe, just maybe, things would just wash over after while. Instead, I now find myself, flashing back to the past. Thinking, pondering over the stuff that have happened. Linking to the events that take place in the present. My mind grows heavy, my heart aches, as I recall all the things I have lost in the span of 6 months. And yet, I cannot help but agree that the best solution to overcome my situation, is the hurtful process of erasure.

Taking everything that used to matter out of the equation. To stop caring.

I have observed that this new strategy of mine may have caused some shifts in the paradigm of general mindset. I know have one person thinking that I have become too good to even talk to him; well so be it. It is not my concern what you think. Having done all that you have, you should be glad I stopped at just not speaking. But what hurts the most, is seeing her hurt. As she tries to grasp the full impact of having lost a friend. I blame no one. Neither does she. But I cannot bring myself to sit there and witness any of this anymore. No, either I had to face it, or leave it. I chose the harder option. I turned around to leave. I know I may have left a trail of sorrow behind, but this was the path you let me choose. And take that path I did. Much to my chagrin, I discovered it wasn't love that had held us together. No, it was something much complex, yet simpler. It was the love of friendship that held that bond. But now, for the sake of my sanity, I have chosen to let it go.

The emotions and experiences behind a heartbreak are esoteric. One must have experienced it first hand to even begin to fathom what another is saying. Just like that, I met someone else. A friend who recently experienced a possibly similar heartbreak.

But now, I am scared. I fear, that things may take a turn for the worst once again.

I do not want to be mistaken, not twice in the same way. But yet, of late, she has been drawing closer. Engaging in random small talk about our past. Chats that we would never have had 3 months ago. Strangely comforting as these chats maybe, I have never thought of her as more than just a friend. An accomplice in the crime we call life. An acquaintance.

Just that. A friend.

So now I fear that perhaps, unintentionally, I could break someone else's heart. And that is not something I want to do. Sigh. At least, I had 120 days of Darkening Dawn. Not as awesome as 500 days, but they 120 was great.


So I got something new to see,
And are you just going to keep hating me,
And we are just going to be enemies

I know, you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong
And you can't make it right
I'm going to take off tonight

Into the night

And so,

In the night I hear them talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul

To a woman so heartless,
How could you be so heartless?

Girl, how could you be so heartless?


Cjarr and Nabilah, any advice?